To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets