To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I love art.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.