Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

If a snake ate a cake

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Perfect

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

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The Chosen Phew

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

mathematically impossible

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.