To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
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‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
what’s the point then??
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away