@JediGigi

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

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@Darlainky

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

@badbanana

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

@HatfieldAnne

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

@envydatropic

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

@DanMentos

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

@doguacate

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

@Brampersandon_

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

@jnapsalot

Guys, if my husband asks any of you, emotional support shoes are a thing ok?

@MableGertrude

If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.