Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

It’s so cool how computers have made life simpler I tell myself and all 36,759 of my unread emails.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

Dogs should be allowed to drive.