Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away