To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
This could be us… but you playing
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Its true…
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.