To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling