To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
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Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
i just found this in my phone
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc