To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
God saw you do that.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.