To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.