To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
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This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”