To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
