To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
You Might Also Like
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Help
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”