To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
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Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
i will not be silenced
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.