To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
#Caturday
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”