Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is hilarious….

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh