Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

LOL

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

applying for a new job

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light