To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
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Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Don’t touch that.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning