To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
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People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
So glad we cleared that up
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.