Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.