[to baby crying for 45 mins]

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Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.


my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples


Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again


Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow


DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that


date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]


Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.


the idea that the “ideal beach body” just means being thin or buff is so unimaginative, surely the ideal beach body would have a powerful lobster claw, arm flaps to act as a windbreak and a sand repellent anus


Me: why did you stop me?

Cop: for starters you’re not wearing a seatbelt.

Me: what about main course?

Cop: step out of the car.


Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.