[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
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There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Ain’t no way
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Huge, if true.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Cndnsd Mlk
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
synchronized noseblowing
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.