Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Running from your problems is cardio .

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.