[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.