To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.