To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
*checks Timeline*…
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale