To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
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Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
584.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait