To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
You Might Also Like
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“TGIM!” – My liver
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel