To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I love twitter
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!