Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.