To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.