Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Another interesting #factupdates post!

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Interior designer.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.