Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits