To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
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in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?