to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
i was dropped as an adult
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously