Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

this is literally a CIA plant

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”