To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
You Might Also Like
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I don’t want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within *three weeks* not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.