Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.