To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.