To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
this article brought to you by lions
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.