Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

my astrological sign is a french fry

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)