To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol