Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections