To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
You Might Also Like
Me trying to walk in a dream
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
So true for me
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
You had me at “define legal”.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.