To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
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“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
No flush
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work