To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
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If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.