“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I think about this a lot
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.