@FrogAvalanche

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

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@junejuly12

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

@KentWGraham

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

@SladeWentworth

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

@dril

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

@anne_theriault

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

@ArfMeasures

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

@teenpuke

what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce

@ShortSleeveSuit

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

@ReneeHooray

Found out a guy I dated was in jail for attempted murder.

He never even tried to take me camping,
I’m not even good enough to kill.