to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
The little toadstool has spoken.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down