to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Not all heroes wear capes…
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.