to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
You Might Also Like
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No