Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

Otters see a butterfly.

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?