Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

😉😝

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.