To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Me :
All Day At Night
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop