To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
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Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?