To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
You Might Also Like
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
A ghost story
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
