To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted