A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
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‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Proctology is located in A55
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill