To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
You Might Also Like
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
@funTweeters
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow