To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
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“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Woke up against my better judgment again
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
also my go-to takeaway order
