To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
You Might Also Like
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
happy friday
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager