Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice