Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget