To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
The three genders
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
