To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
