To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Best mom ever 😂
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Britain be like
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
