to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
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I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L