To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
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the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
How your email finds me
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
saw this in a dream
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
