Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-