To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Girl, same.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.