Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.