To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
You Might Also Like
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla