Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.